Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Life

Okay I keep thinking I'm going to get back on the ball and start blogging everyday. I mean that is part of my purpose to keep up and journal my life. But then life gets crazy, I don't have anything that exciting or funny to write about, I haven't downloaded any pictures, etc etc. And then I just don't post anything for a week. And then I get frustrated and put up like 20 posts in one day.

Also I've had a lot weighing on my mind, but I've been unsure if I want to post it in a public forum. But time and time again, people keep saying don't airbrush your blog let it be you. So here's me. Yes this will be a long one! If you think it is too much then stop reading. :)

Life- Life right now has been a whirl wind of emotions. I think everyone who knows me at all well, knows that my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last year. If you don't know about this type of cancer, 10 sec on google will let you know that it isn't pretty. My dad has done awesome! I mean I really don't know how he does what he does. He is super sick and lately has been more sick. But he still is positive and tries his best to be his best. I love him and respect him for that.

It has been hard for me to talk about it all, because many times I don't know how I feel about it all. I am faced with the two parts. One being positive and hopeful and trying my hardest to enjoy every minute I have with him. Two being sad and knowing that the reality is that he is dying and time is what we have. Knowing that Sariah will not remember him has been especially hard. This last week she even started saying Grandpa. And she just love him so much. It has opened my eyes and I cherish seeing the two of them together. I don't think I would be as observant if this wasn't the situation.

I run for my dad. So I love to run. I know many of you think that is weird. But it relaxes me and helps me de-stress. So since my dad has been sick, when I run I often think about him. It motivates me. I tell myself that I am alive and I have good health and I shouldn't waste that. That I should push myself to live and live to the fullest. I have also started listening to "The Last Lecture" book while I run. If you are curious about that book- it is really good and you should check it out. But last week while running, my thoughts where on my dad. And I realized that I'm at a new stage of thinking with it all. I am tired. Tired of seeing him sick and hurting so much all the time. I have finally accepted that I don't want him to be sick anymore even if that means that he doesn't stay here on earth with me. For a long time, I was selfish and just wanted him here no matter the cost. But not anymore. I want him to be free from all of this and I can't be selfish. I also had the thought that I should prepare myself for him to get worse. NOTE: He isn't actually getting worse as far as I know. This is a personal thought. I think that God likes to warn me sometimes when he knows I need more time to prepare for something. So this could be way down the road and I need the heads up now for me personally. I just know that it will come sooner than I want and I need to start accepting that.

So Friday, dad went in for an endoscopy to check to see if they could find anything that could be contributing to his nausea. I had taken him thinking it was a routine thing and Sariah and I would just hang out that day and then take him home. Well after words he wasn't doing well. He threw up after the procedure but while he was still under and aspirated some of it. Then the couldn't get his O2 to come up and so they decided he needed to go to the ICU. I called James to pick up Sariah on his way home so that I could stay. Later that night they decided he had enough of the signs and was starting an infection so they decided to also treat that. It was just a crazy night- is the short version. He is still at KU Med, but not in the ICU. He is doing much better.

But all of that made me know I'm not quite ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready to have him go. I know that he will be in heaven kicking butt and helping people! That is just who he is. I have no doubt ever that my dad is awesome and I KNOW where he will be after this life. I know I will be with him again. It is the in between time that will be hard. So for now I will straddle the fence- between enjoying every minute of him and grieving for what is to come. Some days I accept it and know it is there and others I say nope not today I'm going to pretend it isn't happening today. And I think that is okay for now. We don't have to be happy all the time or find joy in every thing. We can let ourselves be sad and mad. We just can't let that rule out in the end.

And if you have read this far- go you! I know I am rambling and I'm sorry!

5 comments:

Anie said...

I am really glad you shared this, I admire your strength. It must be so hard for you to see your father go through this. Thanks for sharing this, it has made me really think about my relationship with my parents and I can't imagine what it must be like for you to go through this. I will keep him and your family (you included in that) in my prayers.

McAtee Family said...

Thanks for sharing Sam. You stay right on that fence as long as you need and know that we you are ready to move over to the other side, we are all here for you and we all love you!

P.S. Even though you explained it so nicely, I still find your running sickening!!!

Alaska Law said...

I know exactly how you feel after dealing with my Grandma. Good luck and we'll keep you in our prayers!

KC Mom said...

You will be so glad you journaled your thoughts here someday, as hard as it is.
I can't imagine the range of emotions you go through...being strong one moment to being sad the next. I'm so sorry that you have to go through that. I hate knowing that anyone is greiving...and that really is what you're doing. You are already greiving the loss of the future without your Dad...unthinkable sometimes right.
I'm going to keep praying for your family. I hope that you know we all love you and admire you.

Colton Anne said...

Something this hard you just have to take one day at a time. It's ok to grieve, but what a blessing the gospel is in our understanding of life.