Life

Okay I keep thinking I'm going to get back on the ball and start blogging everyday. I mean that is part of my purpose to keep up and journal my life. But then life gets crazy, I don't have anything that exciting or funny to write about, I haven't downloaded any pictures, etc etc. And then I just don't post anything for a week. And then I get frustrated and put up like 20 posts in one day.

Also I've had a lot weighing on my mind, but I've been unsure if I want to post it in a public forum. But time and time again, people keep saying don't airbrush your blog let it be you. So here's me. Yes this will be a long one! If you think it is too much then stop reading. :)

Life- Life right now has been a whirl wind of emotions. I think everyone who knows me at all well, knows that my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer last year. If you don't know about this type of cancer, 10 sec on google will let you know that it isn't pretty. My dad has done awesome! I mean I really don't know how he does what he does. He is super sick and lately has been more sick. But he still is positive and tries his best to be his best. I love him and respect him for that.

It has been hard for me to talk about it all, because many times I don't know how I feel about it all. I am faced with the two parts. One being positive and hopeful and trying my hardest to enjoy every minute I have with him. Two being sad and knowing that the reality is that he is dying and time is what we have. Knowing that Sariah will not remember him has been especially hard. This last week she even started saying Grandpa. And she just love him so much. It has opened my eyes and I cherish seeing the two of them together. I don't think I would be as observant if this wasn't the situation.

I run for my dad. So I love to run. I know many of you think that is weird. But it relaxes me and helps me de-stress. So since my dad has been sick, when I run I often think about him. It motivates me. I tell myself that I am alive and I have good health and I shouldn't waste that. That I should push myself to live and live to the fullest. I have also started listening to "The Last Lecture" book while I run. If you are curious about that book- it is really good and you should check it out. But last week while running, my thoughts where on my dad. And I realized that I'm at a new stage of thinking with it all. I am tired. Tired of seeing him sick and hurting so much all the time. I have finally accepted that I don't want him to be sick anymore even if that means that he doesn't stay here on earth with me. For a long time, I was selfish and just wanted him here no matter the cost. But not anymore. I want him to be free from all of this and I can't be selfish. I also had the thought that I should prepare myself for him to get worse. NOTE: He isn't actually getting worse as far as I know. This is a personal thought. I think that God likes to warn me sometimes when he knows I need more time to prepare for something. So this could be way down the road and I need the heads up now for me personally. I just know that it will come sooner than I want and I need to start accepting that.

So Friday, dad went in for an endoscopy to check to see if they could find anything that could be contributing to his nausea. I had taken him thinking it was a routine thing and Sariah and I would just hang out that day and then take him home. Well after words he wasn't doing well. He threw up after the procedure but while he was still under and aspirated some of it. Then the couldn't get his O2 to come up and so they decided he needed to go to the ICU. I called James to pick up Sariah on his way home so that I could stay. Later that night they decided he had enough of the signs and was starting an infection so they decided to also treat that. It was just a crazy night- is the short version. He is still at KU Med, but not in the ICU. He is doing much better.

But all of that made me know I'm not quite ready. I don't know that I will ever be ready to have him go. I know that he will be in heaven kicking butt and helping people! That is just who he is. I have no doubt ever that my dad is awesome and I KNOW where he will be after this life. I know I will be with him again. It is the in between time that will be hard. So for now I will straddle the fence- between enjoying every minute of him and grieving for what is to come. Some days I accept it and know it is there and others I say nope not today I'm going to pretend it isn't happening today. And I think that is okay for now. We don't have to be happy all the time or find joy in every thing. We can let ourselves be sad and mad. We just can't let that rule out in the end.

And if you have read this far- go you! I know I am rambling and I'm sorry!

Hospital Gown

So yesterday I finally got on the ball and took Sariah in for her 1 year well baby visit (about a month and a half late.) Usually they just have me get her down to her diaper for the doctor to check her out. But this was a different nurse and she began looking through the drawers and then said I'll be right back, I need to get her a gown. Then she brought in this little kid gown. I had to tie it tighter in the back to have it stay on. I just gushed at how cute I thought it looked. So while I waited for the doctor, I took some pictures!

An agreement made

James and I have officially decided that if we have a 10th child they will be named.....


Oatmeal Banana

:)

Funny thought

So James is always saying funny things. And I always say I'm going to blog that. This time I actually wrote it down.

We had sat down for lunch and he took a little longer to get to the table. I had already said a prayer to bless my food, but then I realized he would probably want to pray together. So when I told him that. He said, "I can bless it faster in my mind." I just died laughing.

Sweet

My mom is really super duper allergic to anything scented. (Well there are like 2 exceptions but those don't really count. Pretty much if is smells she can't have it.) This means no flowers for Valentines day. Well I wanted to be creative this year and do flowers of a sort. So I've seen many of those edible/fruit flower arrangements and that got me thinking...

So here you have the "fruit" of my labor! hehehe I know bad joke! But I made some chocolate covered strawberry bouquets. I filled the vases with kisses and then had the strawberries on the bamboo squires. For a yummy and pretty treat! I had enough to do more than one arrangement so a couple of friends got them too. I wish I had made more because there were other people I thought of giving them to. But as it was I didn't even get them made until Monday and they weren't delivered until Tuesday so I was late. Maybe you will get some for your birthday if you make sure I know the date!

Just thought I would share the fun idea. And for those who are curious it really didn't cost much. I was able to get the strawberries for 2 for $5, the chocolate I think was a little under $3, and the squires were about $2. The kisses were on sale for about $3 for 2 bags. I was able to make 3 small vases (6-8) and one large (a little over a dozen). And still had a few extra strawberries and kisses. So pretty good compared to actual flowers! And so much yummier!!

My Sleeping Beauty

It feels like today

Okay so in my mind today is Valentines' Day. James and I are planning to celebrate tonight by going to our church adults only V-day dinner and dance. His sister is going to come watch Sariah. So since we are celebrating today more than tomorrow. I keep thinking it is today.