Monday, February 22, 2010

Ugh

Okay let me start of by saying don't be offended. I'm truly only this
critical of myself and not others.

I found out with Sariah that I just don't love breastfeeding. I know
it is supposed to be this magical loving bonding time with your
baby... But I just don't get that for myself. With Sariah she was
such a good nurser and also REFUSED a bottle. So I was a good little
mommy and nursed her for a whole year.

With Ben it has been a whole different story. First off I could
already feel myself dreading and resenting breastfeeding before he was
born. I just don't like it. I have no amazingly horrible problems but
I don't like always being on demand, having to strip off half my
clothes, the pain, the fact that no one else can do it yadda yadda. I
know I'm lame.

So I've come to the conclusion that he just isn't a good nurser. He
has had congestion problems since birth and I think that is a big part
of it. He simply will not stay latched on. He goes on and off like 10
times in a feeding. And it isn't that he doesn't have a good latch. It
is like he can't breath. He gulps gulps gulps and then yanks off takes
a deep breath and then wants more.

So I was just pushing through but started to really have a lot of pain
and cracking etc from it. Plus he is so irregular that my body never
knew when to produce milk and was often making too little It was just
making me unhappy and even more upset with breastfeeding. But yet I
feel like a failure for not doing it. Like maybe I'm just wimpig out.
Like the pain isn't that bad but I just don't like doing it so I won't
buck up.

But I came to a decision a few days ago. I decided to try pumping and
using a bottle with a little formula sometimes mixed in to supplement.
Because like I said I'm not producing enough to really satify him. So
it has been a few days in now. And today I realized I'm really so much
happier. I can pump on a schedule. I am producing almost as much as
he drinks so I don't seem to need to supplement that much. I'm having
WAY less pain.

So yeah I may be a wimp. But my mom told me today that it is important
for me and Ben that I'm happy. So I only made it 3 months with him.
But he is still getting breastmilk and I am now having those magical
loving bonding moments with him.....and a bottle :).

Sent from Sam's iPhone

6 comments:

RitterB's said...

I had a VERY similar experience with Ammon. Like you I was not a fan of ME nursing... Just didnt like it. Felt the failure... the guilt... the frustration... felt it all! Yea it is better for the baby to have breast milk...blah blah blah! Just saying my friend I have TWO amazingly healthy babies that have NEVER had a drop of breastmilk. The breastfeeding choice was made for me with Noah and Zion but if I could make the choice all again ... I would have chose to have a bit of freedom and less resentment with Jordie, Isaac and Ammon. Take a breath and enjoy a small piece of freedom!!!
Two happy babies show the world that you are an AWESOME mom!

Alaska Law said...

I know where you are....and your Mom is totally right. I hate that you are feeling bad about the whole thing. You're a great mom and doing what's best for you and your baby!

KC Mom said...

One of the best parts about being Ben's Mom is that you know what is best for him and you! You have to do what works for both of you.
You are a rock star for hanging on as long as you did.

Melissa said...

I understand what you are saying. I went through similar things.

McAtee Family said...

You are a good mom and that is only proven by the fact that you can make the choice that makes you happier. The last thing you would want is to start resenting Ben cause of the whole breastfeeding thing.

Haley refused to nurse and I went thru 2 weeks of pain, guilt, etc. until I finally said forget it - I gave her a bottle and never looked back. She is healthy and we have a fine bond - better yet, Mike got to bond with her while feeding as well.

I was never breastfeed since I was adopted and it makes no difference in my life now!!

Keep making the decisions that make you happy - that is what you want to remember looking back years from now.

Amber said...

I completely feel your pain on this subject! I know we've even talked about it before :) I'm all about doing whatever is going to work best for you and your baby! Sounds like you have figured it out. Best of luck and enjoy your new found freedom!!